If you have read a sample of my other essays, you are probably aware that I perceive human behavior to be based on one’s inner drama, an interaction among archetypal complexes that reside in one’s mind. That applies to this essay as well.

Not a day goes by that I don't hear someone make a comment, such as "I have to go on a diet." "I have to start looking for a job." "I gotta [equivalent to ‘have to’] stop smoking." And, "I have to be more sensitive." My initial reactions to these kinds of self-impositions are, firstly, from the inner Philosopher who opines, "The only thing we have to do is die," and secondly, from the inner Scientist: "Who is speaking to whom?" The speaker surely is not directing the "have to" declarations to me, an external listener, since the comments have nothing to do with me. Furthermore, the insistences were not initiated by a question or command from me, nor do they imply a need for a response from me. The sentences appear to arise from an inner dialog in which a speaker is talking to an internal listener and saying, "You should go on a diet." "You ought to find a job." And so on.

It seems evident that the inner speaker is an authority figure (the archetypal Father), and the listener is a character over which the speaker has authority, namely the inner Child. Consequently, it appears likely that when we say, "I have to ...," we are identified with the inner Child. (Exceptions are discussed below.) In part, this conclusion arises from the likely response to, "WHY do you ‘have to’ do it?" I imagine the Child replying tearfully, "If I don't, I’m bad and I’ll be yelled at, punished, rejected, or abandoned." This scenario illustrates how the inner Child’s fear of imagined dire consequences can compel him/her to act out of fear arising from admonitions by the Critic and frightening images of the future painted by the inner Witch. As indicated in some of my other essays, the inner Critic is that complex which specializes in put-down assaults and demeaning attacks directed at the inner Child, who, in turn, responds with feelings of guilt. The Witch is the inner complex that knows the outcome of behavior that the Critic finds objectionable.

To reiterate, "I have to ..." comments appear to be a response to the denigrating inner authority or Critic who admonishes the inner Child, with which the person is identified. But this anxious kind of "have to" comment represents only the tip of a deeper iceberg. Hidden behind the "have to" statements in the second paragraph lie admonitions in which the Critic uses a couple of his favorite terms, "should" and "ought to." The Critic insists, "You ought to go on a diet," "You should be working," "You should stop smoking," and "You should be less sensitive." So in response to "You should be working," for example, the inner Child automatically accepts the Critic’s admonitions and anxiously responds, "I have to find a job."

Consider this: If the inner Witch weren’t around to paint the picture of the Child’s being rejected, abandoned, and perhaps financially impoverished for not working, the confused Child would probably ask, "Why" when the Critic admonishes, "You should be working." The positive Mother would respond with something like, "No matter whether you work or not, I love you; you are precious to me, and that is immutable." Meanwhile, the constructive Father might respond, "As you know, working exercises the mind and body and a job brings in money, which can be exchanged for food, clothes, etc. But the choice as to whether to work or not is yours. The consequences are uncertain, but whatever they are, you will be faced with them. Consider the probabilities." And the inner Father might go on to list likely outcomes of working or not working based on knowledge gained from experienced observations.

Instead, the critical aspect of the inner negative Father arbitrarily commands "should" or "ought to." But that is not where the assault begins. The iceberg is still deeper. Even prior to "you should" admonitions, the inner Critic begins with a preliminary attack on a condition of life that we have not fully accepted in ourselves. The area in which we lack self-acceptance opens the door for the inner Critic to gain a toehold in our minds. He does that by sneaking in with an attack on the unaccepted condition, initiating the total assault using two more of his favorite words: "too" and "enough." So the attack begins: "You are too fat." "You are lazy and don't do enough to support yourself." "You smoke too much and don't have enough self control". "You are too sensitive."

Let us examine the last sentence as an example, "You are too sensitive." The word "too" here implies that some authoritative entity (within us, outside of us, or both) has specified a standard for sensitivity. Visualize a horizontal line representing the sensitivity continuum. The left end represents 100% insensitivity and the right end, 100% sensitivity. After setting up this continuum, the self-appointed authority arbitrarily (yes, arbitrarily!) specifies a specific point on the line where one is ideally sensitive. If sensitivity is judged to lie to the left of that point, we would be considered "not sensitive enough," and to the right of that point, "too sensitive." Once the inner Child falls for the trap set by an arbitrary standard, it is vulnerable to attack, because, for the inner Critic, one is never judged to be at the arbitrarily set ideal point. Consequently, the Critic can then pile his denigrating admonitions on the unsuspecting, naive inner Child: "You are too sensitive. You should not be so sensitive. " To which the highly gullible Child responds, "I have to learn to be less sensitive" or "I have to be less sensitive."

As stated above, generally, when the Critic attacks the Child, the inner Witch tags along with her simultaneous forecasts of gloom and doom. Since she knows the outcome of behavior that the Critic finds objectionable, she might add to the Critic’s comments her own: "If you insist on remaining hypersensitive and don't strive to be less sensitive, you will be stressed out by your sensitivity and you will be sick all the time. People won't want to be around you because they don't like to feel they need to walk on eggshells." On the other side of the arbitrary standard, her forecast may be, "As an insensitive person, you will always be alone. No one will like you or want to be with you because you don't have the empathy to understand their feelings."

While I would wager that most "have to" statements arise from attacks on the inner Child, there are some exceptions, which can be identified and differentiated from the kind of "have to"s that are the focus of this essay. Specifically, we are not concerned here with "have to" that substitutes for need or "it is a requirement that," as illustrated in the following statements: "In order to live, we have to breathe." "If you want to receive a grade in this course, you will have to take the final exam." "If you want to buy her house, you have to make a down payment." Such statements explicitly -- and sometimes implicitly -- contain a clause starting with "if," "in order to," or "for." An example of an implicit indication of requirement is "I have to sit down!" The implied full message is something like, "My legs are weak. If I don't sit down immediately, I shall collapse." Note that the last part of the last sentence sounds like the inner Witch, but it isn’t, because it implies a conscious recollection of past experience. (It is a constant challenge, in our efforts to become more conscious, to differentiate between the "positive" and "negative"* inner Parents.)

Other similar examples are these: "I have to take a nap" or "I have to go to the bathroom" Such statements arise out of an experience of the body’s expression of need. Thus, "have to" may reflect an awareness of that need based on familiarity with bodily cues.

For me, a physical reaction in my solar plexus helps me to differentiate between the inner Child’s "have to" and what is actually needed or required. When the inner Child reacts to the admonishing Critic or the fear-inducing Witch, I feel an anxious kind of tension inside, under the base of the sternum. When the body wants food, sleep, or bladder relief, the experience is very different. In those events, I feel a kind of ache or unease in the corresponding part of my body. But there is no anxiety or emotional stress associated with it, at least not unless the way to relief is blocked. And even then, the inner experience differs in another way, because there’s no attack on the inner Child.

One could argue that a comment like "I have to stop smoking" falls into the exceptional category mentioned above. A reasonable-sounding argument might go something like this: "If I don't stop smoking, I’ll have a heart attack and die, and I don't want to die." But there are many incidences of people who smoke like a chimney and who live long, healthy lives. There is an insidious trick in this comment and its implications. The drama has become more complex, because now, the inner Witch has insidiously entered the scene to give her dire prediction of the future. It is the Witch that says things like, "If you keep smoking, you’re going to have a heart attack and die!"

What do we actually know? We read many well-designed studies that have shown the probability of heart, lung, and other health problems to be significantly greater among smokers than non-smokers. That does not mean that a smoker "has to" stop smoking. It does mean that IF a smoker stops smoking, the probability that s/he will develop a heart or lung problem is lower than if he/she continues to smoke. There is no "have to" commanded by this information. The insistence originates within us, not from the results of the studies or an outer authority.

As part of our human condition, our consciousness is challenged to a large extent by two inner pervasive, relentless complexes: so-called "egative" aspects of the negative Father and Mother, that is, the Critic and Witch, respectively. The former, a critical and demanding inner authority, seems daily to be judging our behavior on the basis of an arbitrary standard situated on a continuum that is created either by nature or humanity. The fear-inducing Witch creates ugly images of future unpleasant consequences. They both prey on the inner Child.

I asked the Wise Old Man in myself why we are created with the task of dealing with these very difficult complexes. He responded simply that it is a challenge to our developing consciousness. And we have a choice as to whether or not to undertake the challenge. If we accept the challenge and work toward expanded consciousness and inner harmony, we must gain access to the positive, supportive, nurturing inner Parents, the Witness that observes what is going on, and the inner Hero that rescues the attacked Child. The Hero strives to bring the positive Parents and Child together and to illuminate by reflection the perceptions of the Witness. When the challenge to consciousness is rejected, the consequence appears to be perpetual identification with the inner Child.

It appears to me that awareness is gained through inner WORK that reveals the inner drama. Interestingly, the word drama etymologically derives from the Indo-European root for "work." Without the repeated challenges by the parts of us that establish disharmony, there would be no struggle to solve problems or to discover what is new and beautiful in ourselves or in the world.