You arrive at an informal dinner party ten minutes later than the invitation specified; your host greets you at the door and says, "You're ten minutes late." (My impulse is to say, "Uh huh.") During dinner, you accidentally spill some soup on your slacks; after dinner, one of the other guests comments, "You spilled soup on your slacks." (My impulse is to say, "Uh huh" again. A nastier part of me wants to exclaim facetiously, "How clever of you to notice!") At one point, you head for the restroom, and some children's toys in the hallway makes it difficult to pass; your hostess remarks, "Joey [an only son] left his toys in the hallway." As you shut the door to the room you enter, a gust of wind suddenly arises and the door slams; someone says, "You slammed the door." In the living room you meet someone who glances down at your host's feet and remarks, "He's wearing black socks." Someone else comments, "They've remodeled their living room." Another guest points to a picture on the wall and states, "That's a Picasso print."

            By this time, I'm ready to burst out, "What is the point!?" Every one of the above quotes describe conditions that seem perfectly obvious. Why feed me information that I already know?

            Then there are other kinds of descriptions that may not be obvious, but they are statements of perception or interpretation. Here are some examples: "John is selfish." "The movie was three hours long." "We have a fig tree in our yard." "Jenny spends a lot of time worrying." "I used to have a dog named Spot." Unless one needs the information for some reason or simply has expressed curiosity, one may be inclined to ask, "So what? Why are you telling me that?"

            There is a part of me that wants to respond to such descriptive statements with a liturgy of data that might go something like this: "The sun and moon are in the sky. A dog is an animal. There are 12 items in a dozen. There are 26 letters in the English Alphabet. A violinist plays the violin. Movies are shown in cinemas. Doors can be used to separate rooms. One sits on a chair and sleeps in a bed. I have a computer. The telephone is on the wall in the hall. We own our home. There are books on the bookshelves. An ant is a small insect compared to a June beetle. Clouds hold water. The moon is not made of green cheese. Mountain streams flow downhill. We drink water. Zoos house animals. We need oxygen to live. Spring follows winter. January comes before February. A lamp sits on my desk. The lamplight is off. Most written sentences end with a period." (The assumption here is that the listener already knows all the informational data in this list.)

            My guess (projection) is that either people do not feel comfortable revealing their real feelings or they believe they are being clear, but we would have to be able to read their minds to actually know why they are making the comment. "John is selfish" may mean "John made me unhappy by not giving me what I asked for" or "John would not make a good friend, and I don't want to have anything to do with him because he is not sensitive to others' feelings" or "You don't have to worry about John's success because he focuses mainly on his own interests." The comment, "The movie was three hours long" may mean "The movie was too long for me; I found myself falling asleep" or "I was so engrossed in the movie that before I knew it, three hours were gone." "We have a fig tree in our yard" could mean "We enjoy eating figs so much, we decided to grow them ourselves" or "We needed a hardy tree in one corner of our yard, so we chose the fig for its shape and beautiful leaves" or "We enjoy having birds in our yard, and birds are attracted to ripe figs, so during fruiting season they are around all the time."

            Descriptive remarks like the ones just discussed have Rorschach Ink Blot qualities: we can project our own meaning into them. And if we are not conscious of that, we do. In my experience, we humans seem to need to assign meaning to whatever we perceive, and the more vague the experience, the more personal and individual is the interpretation. But the meaning assigned by the recipient may have no resemblance to the message intended to be conveyed.

            Sometimes, the reason for an uninformative comment is obvious in its context. For example, you and your wife are driving around looking for a particular establishment. You know its general location, but the place does not stand out. You see the place, breathe "Aha" and start to park while you and/or your wife says, "There it is." You are both relieved to have found it. Another example: You and your friend have known each other for years, and you know that your friend does not each cheese. You meet for lunch at a restaurant, and on the menu is an unfamiliar dish. Knowing that your friend likes unusual food, you suggest that you both try it. The friend says, "That dish is made with cheese," a statement of fact meaning "I can't eat it."

            Sometimes, the meaning of a descriptive comment lies in the tone of voice or body language. For example, you inquire whether your friend enjoyed a movie you know he saw, and he replies, emphasizing the last three words with a droop of his head and shoulders, "The movie was THREE...HOURS...LONG!" You get the message that the movie was too long for him and he isn't recommending it. Another example: You tell your young daughter that she could accompany you as you run an errand in a neighboring town. Her eyes light up, she smiles, jumps up and down and exclaims, "Borden's Playground is there!" meaning, very likely, "I hope you'll take me to Borden's Playground while we're in that town."

            In my experience, most comments of fact are not so clearly interpreted. But the nice thing about communication is that we can ASK questions. "You're ten minutes late" can be followed by, "Yes. Is that a problem for you? Are you upset? Did I cause you any inconvenience? Did I miss something? Or did you need that extra ten minutes to get ready?" "You spilled soup on your slacks" might be followed by, "I'm aware of that; does it bother you? If I don't change my clothes, will it spoil your evening?" "Joey left his toys in the hallway" may mean that the hostess is embarrassed that my route is blocked, but it also might mean that he is in the process of playing with the toys and I should be careful not to step on one of them. One might reply with, "So I notice; is there some reason you mention it?" To "You slammed the door," one might say, "Yes, the door slammed. Anything you want to say about that?" In general, then, when I am not caught by a complex and able to act consciously, my approach to statements of fact would follow a two-step formula: first, I would acknowledge awareness of the fact and then try to elicit the purpose behind and meaning of the utterance in the person making it.

            Human communication involves two or more people. In my view, the communicator and the communicatee(s) share equally in the responsibility to ensure that the intended message is received accurately. Because so many variables exist in the communication process, misunderstandings are likely to occur. These can be minimized through diligent - and, if necessary, persistent - interactions so that the greatest possible accuracy of transmission is achieved. The constructive effort is to communicate, not to prove the other person is stupid or to find something in them to criticize. When a misunderstanding occurs, we can keep trying to correct it without identifying with the inner complaining child who dislikes problems and believes they should not occur.