What do you really mean when you ask someone why they are doing or did something? Are you really interested in the answer, or do you feel demanding or judgmental? Do you want something else that you’re not verbalizing?

This essay concerns questions such as "Why are you .. (doing what you’re doing)?""Why did you .. (do what you did)?""Why didn't you ...(do something other than what you did)?" Since the first and second questions differ only with regard to time, they will be lumped together in the following discussion, which will consequently focus only on the second and third questions.

I wish to explain why -- from a purely literal point of view -- it seems utterly absurd to me to ask anyone, "Why didn't you ...?" An act was performed. The universe has been altered by that act. Now, along comes the question, "Why didn't you X?"where X is an act other than the one that was done. Why select that one? Why not Y, Z, A, L, M, or any of an infinite number of other possibilities?

Okay, that’s a bit abstract, so here’s an example. Joe asks Mary, "Why didn't you wash the dishes?" If Mary hadn't washed the dishes, then she hadn't. What Mary DID do was whatever Mary did. That is precisely and only what WAS done. Joe might just as well have asked Mary, "Why didn't you run around the block?"or "Why didn't you buy a purple people eater?"or .... The list of what Mary didn't do is infinitely long. The fact of the matter is this, and only this: Mary did precisely what she did, and nothing else.

Of course, we can intuitively assume that the question does not arise out of nowhere. Some previous discussion or occurrence probably gave Joe the impression that Mary intended to wash the dishes. Nevertheless, whatever she did and whatever transpired, the dishes weren't done. Big deal!

The question Joe asked probably carries an implied message, arising either from the inner Critic or Child. If the former, the question can be translated, "You should have washed the dishes and you didn't. You are a bad girl." If the question arises from the needy and demanding inner Child, the intent is, "I wanted the dishes washed, and you didn't give me the satisfaction of doing what I wanted. You’re a bad mommy!" I wouldn't be surprised to find that the Critic and Child operate together behind many such questions.

There is another possible reason for Joe’s question. Before Joe left, Mary may have said, "I’m planning to do the dishes while you’re gone." When Joe returns, he may be interested in what arose to keep Mary from carrying out her stated plan. With no criticism or need, Joe might inquire interestedly, "I really don't give a darn whether or not you washed the dishes, but I’m really interested to learn what distracted you from doing what you said you intended," or, "I really don't give a darn whether or not you washed the dishes, but please tell me what happened that kept you from washing the dishes"

Looking at the scenario from another point of view, Joe might focus on what Mary actually did. With sincere interest in Mary’s choice of action, he might ask the more direct question, "I’m really interested that you chose to [do Z]; ... what led you to [take action Z]?"or, following the first phrase, "... why did you decide to [do Z]?"

When asking a question, it takes profound self-examination and honesty to differentiate true, supportive interest from devious curiosity or hidden feelings with scheming motivation. As mentioned earlier, asking, "Why did you ...?"very frequently comes from the inner Critic, whose implication is that one should have done something else. Usually, when the question comes from the Critic, he doesn't really expect an answer, since it is an admonition and not a true question.

For example, "Why are you reading?"can come from the inner Critic implying that "you"should be doing something (specific or general) other than reading. If the inner Child is also involved, the implication is that the person should be meeting the needs of the querier; the question may even be followed by a pitiful plea to do something the person wants. When the question arises out of interest and caring, it might sound more like, "I don't want to disturb you, but I’m very interested in what you’re reading. Do you mind telling me?"

One way for the listener to discover where a question is coming from in the other person (whether interest, inner Critic, or inner Child) is to respond by asking an exploratory question, such as, "I’m certainly willing to discuss this with you, but first I need to know, ... do you really want an answer?"or "...are you seriously, genuinely interested in knowing?"or "... why do you ask?" These kinds of questions posed in an earnest effort to connect with the other person (i.e., not from the inner Child’s resentful assumption that it is being censured) display respect for the original querier who asked, "Why did (or didn't) you ....?" It is just as unconscious and unrelated for the listener to assume that a question implies a criticism as it is for one to ask a question that substitutes for criticism.

"Why did you ...?"inquiries can arise from the inner Critic just as "Why didn't you ..."ones. For example, Mary asks Joe, "Why did you slam the door?" I have heard that question asked more than once, and from the angry tone of voice in the questioner, I felt certain that a more honest comment might have been something like, "Darn it! I wish you wouldn't slam the door. It startles and irritates me." But the question that Mary asks implies, "You shouldn’t have slammed the door,"a should comment characteristic of the inner Critic. Stating our own preference arouses a more openly receptive and amenable response than when we implicitly or explicitly judge another person.

Expressing our personal desires can be especially well received when we consciously realize -- and make it known that we realize -- that no one is required to satisfy our desires. A person is identified with the needy inner Child when the expression of what is wanted actually is a demand -- an insistence that requests be satisfied -- else one feels unloved.

As stated earlier, "Why did you ...?"inquiries often represents the Critic’s insistence that the person should have done something else. But often, what the person should have done is not obvious or clear. The inner Critic frequently does not specify the required alternative. In the example above, Mary probably would prefer that Joe shut the door quietly (although she may have wanted it to remain open), and she is probably critical of him for having made noise (and/or shut the door). But consider vague questions such as, "Why are you going this way?"or "Why did you play cards?" What are the alternatives? The critical querier does not offer any. Are there other ways the person should go? Which one would be right? And should the person not have played cards; if so, what should the person have done (according to the inner Critic)? It is in the nature of the inner Critic not to answer these questions; the Critic makes judgments and is not concerned with constructive aid. Constructive guidance is the function of the helpful inner Father.

One can enhance communication and maintain a healthy relationship by being conscious when asking a question. One can question one’s self regarding the reason for asking "Why ...?"to determine whether or not the question arises out of a sincere interest in receiving an answer -- assuming, of course, the question is not rhetorical. .

When questions and expressions of preference come from the inner Child, they generally rest on a presumption and expectation of immediate satisfaction. The Child expects to be taken care of and given prompt attention. That is the reason people often have difficulties asking for what they want from others: the inner Child wants (demands?) to receive what is asked for, and, at the same time, s/he quite often expects not to get satisfaction at another level of unconsciousness. Fearful anticipation of feelings of rejection and abandonment hinder the Child’s ability and willingness to say what it wants.

The narcissistic inner Child no longer governs us when the following three conditions exist: freedom from the insistence-need to have our desires satisfied, appreciation that others’ wants are just as important as our own, and acceptance that our desired object or condition might not be forthcoming,.

Ultimately, the final questions we can ask ourselves are these: "What do I really mean when I ask someone the reason for their doing or having done something?" "Am I really interested in the answer, or do I feel demanding or judgmental?" "Do I want something else that I’m not verbalizing?" Taking responsibility in this way is a characteristic of the inner Hero, who can guide us to inner peace and profound satisfaction with life.